I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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