I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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