It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
