A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize