Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
