Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
