She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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