i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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