Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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