i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
