I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
