remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
