The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize