wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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