I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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