There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
