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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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