I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
