and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
