So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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