You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
