question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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