was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
zippers are such a cool invention
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
