If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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