You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
