I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
