Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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