apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
