I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
