man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
