I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
