you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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