Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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