I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
