I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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