When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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