Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
