He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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