look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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