Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
