Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
