I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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