Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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