I can't watch pbs sober anymore
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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