i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
