This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize