Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
