Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize