erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Two words: nipple clamps
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