my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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