It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
