tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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