I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
