I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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