Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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