omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
