This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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