6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
