There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I need to calm my uterus...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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