apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
