she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
