So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize