hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
